And then someone will mention it to me, or email me to tell me that they just finished it, or I’ll see it on a shelf at a bookstore and it’ll hit me: Oh, yeah. I wrote a book. I actually did it. That was the whole “life goal I’ve had since I was 8” that I realized.

And then learning that my book was coming out in paperback? Well, that’s sort of started the whole sinking-in-surreal-wait-I-really-did-that process anew.

As my editor told me about halfway through the editing process, you only really learn to write a book by, well, writing a book. And you can usually tell – usually about half or two-thirds of a way through a book – when the writer figures out exactly how to do it. Because like everything else, writing isn’t just about some innate talent: it’s about practice, and learning, and revising, and staring blankly at your computer in a state of existential grief (sorry, I wish that last part went away. But after ten years of blogging and thousands of posts and one memoir: nope).

The same is true of actually selling and publishing a book – you only really learn by doing. I found out what it’s like to have my book go to auction, I stressed out over the terms of different offers, I worked with an amazing editor who got what I was trying to do, we discussed different covers with a designer, and suddenly: there it was. My book. Out there in the world.

My super adorkable husband, shown dancing with the hardcover copy of my book when it first came out.

Mine came out first in hardcover, which was sort of miraculous thing. A lot of writers don’t get the hardcover treatment their first time around. I kept running my hands over it, over this weird collection of words that I’d somehow written. Hardcover books were always inaccessible to me growing up. They were too expensive and cumbersome, and besides: The Babysitters’ Club series didn’t come out in hardcover.

And now, after 2 years, my book is coming out in paperback. Which is also its own kind of miraculous. A lot of writers don’t get a paperback release after their book comes out in hardcover. Paperbacks are more affordable, so it means that more people might buy it. Plus, my love of reading and my dreams of writing began in paperback books: Running my hands along the glossy unbroken spines at the store, seeing what new Christopher Pike release had come out, what Lois Duncan novel I’d managed to miss. So this feels particularly special.

My editor explained that paperbacks always have a different cover than their hardcover counterparts (I don’t really know why this is true, but after thinking about it, I could think of example after example). So while I loved my original hardcover design, we needed something new, and the designer decided to take inspiration from my Instagram account. So the images on the new cover are from there.

I was initially a little nervous about this. It’s already surreal enough seeing your book in print. And then seeing your face on the cover of your book? That’s a whole ‘nother level of bonkers. I feel like I’m in some sort of alternate reality where everything went sort of weirdly right.

The books arrived a few weeks ago, but I haven’t shared the cover until today, because it’s now officially available on Amazon, and Barnes & Noble, and Indiebound.

And, okay, I cracked up a little when I first saw the new edition, because maybe, maybe that image of me in the lower left-hand corner? The one where I have a finger against my lips and I’m contemplating raiding that bakery window I’m standing in front of? Doesn’t it sort of look like … well, I’m picking my nose? I mean, just a little bit? Which, obviously, is the most on-brand thing ever. And it’s also made all of this sort of seem like it’s real. Because maybe I do realize my dreams … but I look like I’m picking my nose when I do it.

Rand, of course, didn’t notice any of this. He just saw that there’s an image of us in the upper right-hand corner of the cover, kissing. This was his reaction:

So, yeah. I’m a paperback writer now. It’s a miraculous, surreal thing.

I need to tell you about one of the cooler things that ever happened to me.

And I know some of you are like, “Ugh, no, Geraldine this whole neurotic, insufferable girl with the awesome life thing is wearing thin” and I KNOW IT IS, PEOPLE. It is not my fault, okay? I do everything wrong and I fight with the President on Twitter and I’m just generally terrible and I say things like this.

I AM HORRIBLE.

But cool things just keep happening and I’m going to chalk it up to life being unfair. I mean, how many great people do you know who have awful things happen to them? Tons, right? So shouldn’t a terrible person have great things happen to her?

Hmm. Perhaps not.

Anywho, I give you the latest installment in Geraldine Does Not Deserve Her Life.

Yesterday my friend Deanna met with her book club. This month’s selection? All Over the Place. My book was their book club selection.

MY BOOK WAS THEIR BOOK CLUB SELECTION.

This means that people got together and voluntarily read my book. THAT HAPPENED. Naturally, I freaked out when I heard the news. I also asked Deanna if I could call in and maybe answer some questions. And we did. Deanna actually prepared some questions that were brilliant and insightful and I rambled on about Jane the Virgin.

For real.

But it was also super fun. And I think that maybe Deanna and her awesome group didn’t mind that I make no sense? And that maybe I screamed a couple times during the call because I was in the car while Rand drove through crazy traffic?

It also made me think that this is something I would love to do again, if people were interested. So here’s the deal: if your book club reads All Over the Place, and you’d like me to call in to your meeting via Skype or phone, let me know. I probably won’t do video chat because I don’t like to wear pants or a bra when I’m home.

Reminder: a book club cannot consist of you and three of your cats.

It has to be a minimum of four cats. And they’d better each have their own copy.

(Just kidding, it can be you and three of your cats. I’m a first-time author. Seriously, that whole four-cat-stuff is reserved for the Elizabeth Gilberts of the world).

Anywhoodle, if you’re interested, email me at deenie -at- gmail and we’ll set up a time for me to ramble. I’d love to meet all you weirdos and talk about this strange little book of mine.

Add “being a woman” into the equation and your cup overfloweth.

Fortunately, we writers are rational beings and so we give as much credence to positive comments as we do negative ones. JUST KIDDING. We focus on the terrible stuff that is said to us like we’re being paid by the hour.

My book came out two months ago. The reviews have been … well, glowing.

.@everywhereist a women on my plane saw me reading your book & said she’d been hearing about it & wanted to know if it was good (yes!)

— Krista Seiden (@kristaseiden) July 7, 2017

@everywhereist you made my dating profile. That’s when you know you’re successful, right? pic.twitter.com/vYOYFAhSuM

— Andi Plummer (@AndiMichele87) July 4, 2017

If only it was the kind things that people said about us that kept us up at night. Alas. The negative reviews are few and far between, and I focus on them far more than I should.

Some of the critiques are legitimate: My language is too vulgar (you bet your mom’s clitoris it is); I think I’m funnier than I am (how on earth could they possibly evaluate this?); I pee on things out of rage (guilty).

But then, embedded in a grammatically problematic creative Amazon review, I came across this line:

“She’s a blogger, not a writer.”

And like all things that strike a nerve, it did so because it hit close to home. For years, I’ve dismissed the writing that I’ve done on this blog. I’ve shrugged when people asked me what I did. I somehow convinced myself that writing a blog for a decade somehow means that I’m not actually writing, even as the awards and the accolades and the positive press began to accumulate.

Nearly every single blogger I know has done this same thing. And this mentality is so incredibly, utterly, profoundly wrong.

Let me be clear, before the pedants emerge from the ether, pushing their glasses up their noses as they whisper, “Well, actually“: not everyone who blogs is a good writer.

But not everyone who publishes a book is a good writer, either.

The criticism that we bloggers endure emerges often not from our work itself, but from the medium that we’ve chosen. The poet is never accused of not really being a writer, nor is the columnist, nor the essayist. But the blogger often is. We are accused of being literary dabblers, amateurs, hacks.

The transition from writing this blog to writing a book was not a seamless one. But that’s not because I’m a blogger – it’s because writing a book is difficult. No one, absolutely no one, knows how to write one until they’ve actually done it. It’s like having brain surgery or enduring the loss of a parent: you learn how to do it only by doing it.

My editor told me that the last few chapters of my book needed far less editing than the first few.

“That always happens with first-time authors,” she said. “By the end, you’ve figured out how to write a book.”

But to say that my years of blogging didn’t contribute to that is insane. Blogging taught me to write on schedule (and not just the self-indulgent time frame of “when inspiration strikes”). It taught me how to work through writer’s block, how to experiment with style and storytelling. It helped me figure out my voice.

Writing a blog taught me how to write.

And if I’m painfully honest, writing a book was, at times, far easier than blogging. Those early years of The Everywhereist were brutal. I wrote for a non-existent audience, I wrote through the headaches of a yet-to-be-diagnosed brain tumor, I wrote through threats and hate mail. I wrote each and every day, and I wrote alone, without an editor to gently guide me through the bramble.

But so many of us dismiss the legitimacy of blogs, even though having a strong online following is critical to getting a book deal. Literally every single publisher I spoke to wanted to see my blog’s stats. One told me that my manuscript was excellent, but was worried that my traffic just wasn’t enough.

Can emerging writers get published without a strong platform or social media following? According to my editor, yes, but you shouldn’t count on it.

That’s so important, I need to state in again in all caps. BEING A BLOGGER IS A KEY COMPONENT TO GETTING A BOOK DEAL, BUT WE’VE MANAGED TO CONVINCE OURSELVES THAT IT IS THE PRECISE REASON WHY WE CAN’T WRITE A BOOK.

When we critique bloggers for simply being bloggers (and not say, because of the quality of their writing), we risk losing a profound volume of literary and non-fiction work. And that’s a big problem, because there are already so many things that keep writers down. We don’t need to do it to ourselves.

There’s another important reason why we need to not dismiss blogging: it offers a platform to writers in underrepresented demographics and a means for them to promote their own work. (In the past, I’ve noted my own problems with being self-promotional as a woman.)

Women, PoC, People with disabilities and chronic health issues, LGBTQ and all of the overlaps in those Venn diagrams – blogging makes it easier for all of us to be heard. (Sadly, it’s not entirely income agnostic. Blogs themselves can be set up entirely for free, but other socioeconomic factors, such as free time, and safe, easy access to a computer, Wi-Fi, or a library can easily get in a writer’s way).

But these stats don’t hold when we look at works that are published in major publications, books that are getting the most press and awards, or the deals that publishers are handing out. According to VIDA, an organization that tracks gender bias in literary coverage, The New Yorker published 459 pieces by men and only 159 by women in 2011. The New York Times Book Review covered 520 authors who were men – almost twice the number of women authors they reviewed. From March 2012 to April 2013, an analysis of the Guardian Review’s poetry pages revealed that they’d reviewed three times as many poetry books by men as they did by women. And though women publish more novels than men (60 vs 40%) the vast number of literary awards go to men, often writing about male protagonists.

Publishing itself may be an industry predominantly made up of women but that doesn’t mean that women are the ones getting visibility for their books. When a Cleveland bookstore turned all the books written by men backwards (showing just the white pages instead of the spine), the results were shocking – a sea of white shelves.

I suspect it’s due to a myriad of factors – institutionalized racism, sexism, ableism, homo- and transphobia, and inherent problems with the publishing industry itself. The point is, as bloggers, we have enough shit against us. And for those of us who aren’t white, cis-gendered men, we field a disproportionate number of rape and death threats. We don’t need the additional disparagement of being told we aren’t writers. Especially when, for many of us, blogging is what is going to get us our book deals, and may be one of the only avenues in which we can actually sell our books.

If you want to critique me on my shitting writing, I’ve an ample volume of work for you to peruse. Tear apart my memoir, if you are so inclined (though I will ask you to buy it first. And maybe a few copies for your friends, too. You could have a book club wherein you discuss how awful it is!) But don’t tell me that because I’m a blogger, I’m somehow not a writer.

Because I assure you: it’s the exact same damn thing.

I say these words again. I want to shout them. There is frosting in my hair and I am not wearing a bra and this is the uniform of a woman who is ready to conquer the world and who also hopes that the UPS guy does not judge her for looking like she just escaped from a sleep study.

My inbox and social media pages have been flooded with messages from my friends. I’ve tried to keep up with them and can’t. They are wonderful and supportive and utterly unhinged. I love them all. I want to run from the attention and bask in it and also eat cake. It is like my birthday. In a way, it is. It is my book’s birthday.

A few months ago, my friend Mike told me he was going to buy 50 copies of my book and spell my name out with it. I laughed, and figured he was joking, and this is my fault because I’ve known Mike long enough to have guessed that he was not. If Mike and I were in grade school, the teachers would make us sit across the room from one another and then send notes home to our parents saying that we are a bad influence on one another. The last time we were left to our own devices without Rand or Mike’s beloved calmly vetoing our plans, he and I ended up fully dressed and soaking wet in the middle of a pool. There were other victims, but we were the instigators.

Yesterday, Mike posted this to Facebook.

HE BOUGHT 50 COPIES OF MY BOOK AND SPELLED OUT MY NAME. I cackled like a fiend when I saw it.

And then my friend Pete made this.

Ordered the Limited Edition — bargain at $995. @everywhereist assured me it would double in value before she stopped returning my calls… pic.twitter.com/dCRHB2cCkT

— Dr. Pete Meyers (@dr_pete) May 3, 2017

And Tim and Alyssa did this (which is super cute but I’m putting a SEIZURE WARNING on it. High five to my neurologically temperamental brothers and sisters.)

And Melanie made this.

It’s here it’s here it’s here! @everywhereist pic.twitter.com/OpYDSd3e44

— Melanie Deziel (@mdeziel) May 2, 2017

And Chrissy and Skye sent me this:

And Charlene tweeted this:

happy day! finally got my copies of @everywhereist‘s All Over the Place. can i ignore my inbox so i can start reading?#allovertheplace pic.twitter.com/mkOWiCYeW0

— Charlene Kate Events (@CharKateEvents) May 2, 2017

And Brad (who also bought way, way too many copies of my book) took this silly photo of himself and put it on the internet for everyone to see.

The wait is over! A big box of awesome books from @everywhereist showed up today. pic.twitter.com/3SMACJupoH

— Brad Feld (@bfeld) May 2, 2017

It went on and on. Basically everyone in my entire life started emailing me or tweeting at me or posting to Facebook and Instagram and a bunch of new social media platforms that I’ve never even heard of. And then people who I didn’t even know in real life started doing it. I just kept seeing photos of that bright coral cover again and again.

@everywhereist as I read your book, I think about the friends and family members that would enjoy it. #greatbook #everywhereist pic.twitter.com/C59DSfH1tG

— Paul N. (@PN_Drummer) May 3, 2017

If you need me, I’ll be in the yard w/ my new book… and some snacks. Congratulations, @everywhereist. Very well deserved. pic.twitter.com/F1A9SkiZkF

— Sheena Schleicher (@SheenaSchleichr) May 3, 2017

@everywhereist I already LOL’d & teared up by page 29, you wizard.

— Merry @AIMCLEAR (@MerryMorud) May 3, 2017

And then an excerpt of my book appeared in The Globe & Mail. And tomorrow I’m speaking at Town Hall in Seattle (*cough-cough* tickets are still available).

It’s been overwhelming and crazy and wonderful.

To everyone who has supported me, and this blog, and now the book: thank you. If you left a comment, or followed me on Twitter, or visited the blog, or BOUGHT WAY TOO MANY COPIES OF MY BOOK, then you helped make this happen, and I can’t begin to tell you how much all of that means to me. This has been a very strange and wonderful ride and I’m just trying to enjoy every single minute of it.

I have cake in my hair. I am not wearing pants. I am living the dream.

This is the face of a woman in over her head.

My agent was the first to tell me my memoir would be available in audiobook. At the time, I couldn’t imagine that too many people would consume my book by listening to it. It’s a book! It’s supposed to be read! On pages! Perhaps even paper ones. But audiobook books have steadily been making a rise, to be enjoyed not simply by those poor souls with a long commute, but by all of us poor souls, as we go for runs or sit on planes or do the dishes or try to drown out the nervous voice of self-doubt that constantly echos in our skulls (or is that just me?). My book was going to be recorded. People might even listen to it.

She explained that they would hire a voice actress to do it – a professional who was used to reading out loud. I made a rather miraculously quick leap from learning of the existence of my hypothetical audiobook to knowing, without any doubt, that I wanted to be the one to record it. I told Zoe as much. But it’s kind of a hard case to make.

The thing that I didn’t mention to Zoe is that while I think it’s true that people often want to listen to books as read by the author, it’s usually because those authors are famous people with awesome voices, like Negin Farsad or Phoebe Robinson.

But I asked Zoe to make the case to my publisher for me to read my book, instead of having a qualified professional do it.

Miraculously, Hachette agree. Then I learned what I had gotten myself into. The finished audiobook was an estimated 9 hours long, which means that I’d be in the studio recording for about 18-23 hours. All that time, I would be talking.

Have you ever tried talking for two straight hours? No pauses in conversation. No conversation at all! Just you and a microphone, and a book that you wrote.

My publisher set me up in a small studio recording studio locally – one operating inside someone’s house. So last week, I drove up to North Seattle and entered a stranger’s windowless, soundproof basement via their garage. (Did you hear that thud? That was my mother having a heart attack.)

The studio felt a little like a maze – little rooms all connected together, lined with sound-absorbing and sound-diffusing materials (the former stops sound from leaving the room. The latter stops it from echoing), each one packed with musical instruments – guitars, drums, even a grand piano – and recording equipment. My office for the next three and a half days was a little room in this jumble – perhaps 4’x4′ in size, paneled in sound absorbing foam. I sat opposite a microphone, reading off an iPad perched on a music stand in front of me.

Jeremy, the audiobook’s producer, was in another room, and while I couldn’t see him, I could hear him – and myself – through a pair of massive headphones. It was strange, because the audio equipment was so good, it sounded like Jeremy was in my ear. A couple of times I was tempted to pick my nose, but I’d somehow convinced myself that if he could hear me that clearly, he could also see me.

With a microphone that good, every sound is picked up. Like, everything. On our first day of recording, I had a kale salad for lunch, and for the rest of the afternoon, my stomach made gurgling noises which kept necessitating us doing another take (note: the farting did not commence until much later, after I left the studio. You’re welcome, Jeremy). If you move the slightest bit, the mic will catch it (sitting on a squeaky wooden chair, this meant I couldn’t even shift my weight). Even the sound of my hand brushing hair out of my face was too noisy.

During the down time, when weren’t recording, I would brush my hands against my jeans or wiggle my fingers and listen to the noise it made. I felt like I had a superpower. I could hear the passing of time.

It wasn’t until I started reading that realized I had no idea what I was doing. For the first chapter or two, I kept trying not to breathe because I thought it would ruin the recording – so I’d wait until the end of a paragraph, and by then I was gasping. It took me a while to master the whole breathing-as-I-went thing, which was kind of demoralizing, because you’d think that after 36 years breathing was something I would have down.

I managed to handle the breathing okay, but then realized a few other things about my book:

• There are four different languages across the various chapters. English, Italian, Spanish, and French. I speak these first three with various levels of competence. But my French is pitiful. And I had to speak entire sentences in French. While being recorded.
• My friends and family have a lot of non-American accents.
• There are words in my written vocabulary that do not exist in my spoken vocabulary. So I’ve never actually said them aloud. Jocundity. Apotheosis. Sybaritic.
• My pronunciation of “penchant” sounds really pretentious.

These were things that I had sort of anticipated. I knew that my mom’s accent was challenging, but I could do a reasonable facsimile of it. I knew that I’d have trouble pronouncing Hector Guimard’s name. I know that my voice is heavily inclined to vocal fry, and that my accent is kind of weird at times (I over-pronounced the “g” in words ending in “-ing”).

But then there were things I hadn’t even begun to imagine. My friend Ciaran, who is English but now lives in Australia, has speaking lines in the book. But I could not for the life of me make him sound like anything but a constipated Dame Edna. I found myself quietly cursing every self-indulgent instance of alliteration I’d used. And there was a lot of dialogue in the book, usually between me and Rand. This meant that I had to an impersonation of Rand, and then answer him in a voice that was close to my own (so you knew it was me talking) but still distinct from my voice as a narrator. I HAD TO DO NUMEROUS VOICES FOR MYSELF.

And I realized that I had inadvertently memorized huge swaths of the book while writing and editing it. This became a problem, because the final round of proofreading meant that some of these sentences had changed and I could not for the life of me read them as they were now written.

But despite all of this, once I got going, things chugged along okay. I could get through a few paragraphs or even a page with just a few mistakes. I think that Jeremy was actually somewhat surprised that I started to get the hang of it, considering I couldn’t even breathe properly at the start. I’d hear him in my ear over the headphones saying things like, “One more time on that last sentence.” or “Let’s take that from the top of the paragraph.” He’d let me know when I moved too much or when my stomach made a weird sound (“Just a little bit of noise on that last sentence,” he’d say, diplomatically.)

The problem with a task like this one is that once you start messing up, it’s very easy to psych yourself out and mess up even more. Miraculously, though, I never got too caught up and frazzled by my own thoughts. The problem more often than not was physical, and not mental (a first for me!) By the end of the afternoon, my mouth would become dry and you’d hear pops from tiny bubbles on my tongue and teeth (it sounded like I was eating Pop Rocks). Green apples supposedly help “lubricate your throat” (ew), but after a while not even that could alleviate the crackles.

One day, in the early afternoon, my voice was just gone. It didn’t hurt, but there was simply nothing left in the tank. In the evenings, I avoided talking to save whatever voice I had left. I made this little chart of responses for a party I went to, and would point to an answer.

And then, as with almost everything else that pertains to this book, by the end, I’d finally figured out how to do it. We finished a day early. By the time I recorded the book’s intro and outtro (essentially the credits), I did it in one take, and Jeremy seemed shocked.

Is recording your own audiobook easy? No. Being literate is a prerequisite, but not the only skill you need. And while it was definitely challenging, it wasn’t grueling. It was even kind of fun (for me, at least. Jeremy’s opinion may differ). And next time – because I’m determined that there will be a next time – it’ll be even easier.

—————

Tips for recording your own audiobook:

• Wear quiet clothing – stuff that doesn’t rustle. Don’t wear any noisy jewelry.
• Use an iPad. The rustling of pages as you turn them is too noisy.
• Don’t rush! Jeremy told me the biggest novice mistake is trying to go too quickly. The actual pace of reading out loud is slower than is comfortable. Like a children’s story hour.
• Breathe. For the love of god, breathe.
• Read the book beforehand – heck, try reading it out loud beforehand (I did, during the editing process, to make sure sentences flowed right).
• Look up the pronunciation of words/names you are unsure of.
• Eat green apples – they help lubricate (ew, sorry) your throat.
• Stay hydrated. I drank a lot of Throat Coat (ew, sorry again) tea with honey, which helped, though Jeremy warned me that liquids that are too hot can actually dry your throat out.
• Be careful what you eat! Stomach noises can get picked up on the microphone. I stuck to soups after my kale salad debacle, and kept a pillow on my stomach to muffle any sounds.
• Just keep trucking along. When I made mistake, I’d immediately reread the sentence, without pausing to beat myself up. If I focused too much on the mistakes, I’d lose momentum.
• Know your limitations: if you suck at accents, consider not doing them. If you want to show off your acting chops, go for it (but don’t go overboard – listeners will get exhausted if it’s a non-stop theatrical performance.)
• Relax. It’s your story. You are uniquely qualified to tell it. (Note: this may not actually be true, but I kept telling myself this until I believed it.)
• Have fun.

Because of my agent, Zoe, I get to have meetings in fancy buildings like this one.

I’ve been writing a lot about my adventures in publishing (which has been a fun, strange, occasionally frustrating experience because it is only by writing a book that you figure out how to write a book). My book will be release in just over two months, and in this final stretch I find myself thinking about how all of this started, and I realize that I always end up in the same place: Zoe Sandler.

Telling people I had a literary agent gave me a sort of legitimacy I never had before, and also led me to feel like a bit of an impostor, my own psyche quietly screaming that no one in their right mind would want to represent me, and yet there Zoe was, seemingly sane and ready to champion my book. She kindly agreed to answer some questions about literacy agencies and her work below, but I want to begin by talking about everything that she’s done for me and my book.

Do you need a literary agent? If you are planning on going the traditional publishing route, then yes, yes you do. I’ve never heard of a publisher working directly with a writer who did not have an agent. They are your advocate, they make sure your manuscript or proposal is in front of the right publishers, they broker the sale of your book, they handle the legal contracts.

In my case, Zoe also significantly helped shape a very early draft of my manuscript before sending it out to publishers. Her changes were invaluable. She turned my messy pile of papers into something worth buying.

How do you pick a literary agent? Honestly, you just need to pick someone who feels like a good fit, and who has experience selling books like yours. I realize that’s not very specific, but for me it mostly came down to a gut feeling. I’d met with several agents before I found Zoe. One had an entirely different view for the book (she wanted to fictionalize it – taking my true stories and exaggerating them – something I absolutely did not want to do). Another was far too aggressive, and wanted me to sign immediately. Another kept demanding I prove my worth as a writer. But Zoe said something which stuck in my head, that no other agent had said: she told me she believed in my work.

Zoe is at ICM, which is one of the bigger agencies, and they cover everything from books to music and film. Their client roster is huge (and filled with celebrities). I was worried that I’d easily get lost at a big agency, but that hasn’t been the case. Zoe’s been a great advocate for me, and has always been around when I needed her. Including when I asked her to answer questions about her work.

So enough rambling from me about how great she is. Here’s what Zoe has to say about her work:

Give us a little bit of background on you and where you work.

I’m in the books department at ICM Partners, the talent and literary agency, where I’ve worked for the past five plus years. Much of that time I’ve spent working for an agent, as a kind of apprenticeship, and in the last few years I’ve started building my own list of author clients. The authors I represent write a range of fiction and nonfiction, books for kids and for adults. The huge variety of genre among the writers I get to work with is one of my favorite things about being an agent.

—————

How did you become a literary agent? Do your friends constantly pitch to you?

Out of college I knew I wanted to work in the publishing industry. I started at a small academic press, where I worked for three years, and which served as a wonderful introduction to the world of book publishing. Upon moving to New York, I instead focused my job search on trade publishers, specifically seeking an editorial position. I didn’t know anything about the agent side of our business, but after being introduced to it through my first job at ICM, I quickly became convinced that being an agent was the better fit for me than being an editor. What’s been a nice surprise is how much editorial input with authors I still get to have as an agent. And my own family and friends don’t pitch me but their friends do

—————

What advice would you give to a writer who is looking for representation?

When querying agents, make sure to do so in as specific and targeted a way as possible to show that you know your work well and that you’re familiar with the agent you’re querying: is your project a good fit for that agent’s list, and why? Are you following that agent’s querying guidelines? Are you a fan of the agent’s other authors? Do your research, and that attention to detail will make your query stand out.

—————

How polished should a writer’s draft be before querying you? Do you prefer that they have a finished manuscript?

For fiction, yes, a writer should have a full draft before querying. For nonfiction, a proposal is sufficient. A full manuscript is better for a memoir, however. The manuscript should be pretty polished, at the point where the author feels she has done all she can – herself or using other readers or outside editorial input – to make the project as compelling as possible.

—————

If an unpublished writer doesn’t have their own blog – and is mostly guest posting – would you still consider signing them?

Of course. My decision about representation is driven more by the material than the author: the strength of the book idea, and the writing itself has to resonate with me in order to take someone on. Those things matter more to me than the author’s platform.

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What traits do you love in a client?

I tend to gravitate towards authors who have a strong sense of themselves and their work – they may be self-deprecating and at times insecure but they are also healthily and generally aware of their talent. That self-assuredness goes a long way when it comes time to face the tough parts of being an aspiring author: the feedback, the rejection, the waiting and wondering, the criticism, etc. My mantra about this business is staying positive, patient, and persistent, and in my experience thus far finding authors who share those qualities makes for a very fulfilling combination.

Thanks so much, Zoe. As always, you are the best.

And if you aren’t that well-adjusted to begin with? Well, spending your days blogging can send you straight into tin-foil-hat territory, wherein you watch episodes of The Bachelor at slow speeds, looking for symbolism that will eventually be the foundation of your new religion. (Note: the tenants of this religion are still unclear to me, but it involves dry-humping and candles.)

I found this on the internet. If you know the source, please tell me so I can propose marriage to them.

The point is: working alone as a writer for long stretches of time isn’t always the most mentally healthy thing you can do. And I’ve been doing it for almost a decade.

Which is why, after I sold my book, I was both terrified and delighted that I was going to be working with an editor. Colleen was the acquiring editor for my book, which means that she’s person at the publishing house who bought my manuscript, and she’s also the developmental editor, working with me to clean up and rework the entire thing. And while she approached me with the professionalism that one would expect from a successful person in publishing, I had all the subtlety of a castaway encountering another human for the first time in years.

The amazing thing about Colleen was that, even though we are about as radically different as two members of the same species can be (girlfriend looks like Amanda Peet, runs marathons, and is polite as fuck), she completely got my voice and understood the story I was trying to tell. She would subtly change a joke and make it infinitely funnier, she would rework paragraphs, she would push me in the direction that I needed to go. She made me kill a few darlings – which is something that I thought I had done in the past, but I was so wrong (if you as the author are willing to kill it, it’s not a darling). She sent me gifs of Daveed Diggs with the subject line “IMPORTANT EDITORIAL TYPE STUFF.”

She turned my manuscript into a book.

I emailed Colleen all. the. time. Even when she said things like, “Actually, you should be talking to someone else about that … like maybe your therapist?” I WOULD STILL KEEP EMAILING HER. And even now that my book is finished, I’m still bugging her. I asked her if she’d be willing to talk a little bit about what it’s like to work in publishing, and if she could lend her wisdom to aspiring writers out there, and she agreed. Please note that Colleen deals primarily with non-fiction memoir, so her answers pertain mostly to books in that genre.

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Tell us a little bit about yourself! Obviously you’re an editor at Public Affairs – what does your work entail?

I am so lucky—I love my job. I grew up reading constantly and now I get to help make books? And at any given moment, I’ve got several books in various stages of publication, so while I’m deep into the edit on a book about Roman history, I’m attending jacket meetings for a hilarious memoir about getting lost and eating cake. It’s fun, exhausting and just the best.

(I see what you did there, Colleen – G)

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What are your favorite genres to read?

Most people I know who edit nonfiction relish the opportunity to lose themselves in a novel in their spare time. I’m an odd bird in that I love nonfiction pretty much ALL the time. I think it’s because I’m an information sponge—I love learning about new subjects and cultivating a better understanding in those subjects I know something about. But I also love learning about people. One of my favorite genres to read for fun is memoir—whether it’s on the serious side, like Hillbilly Elegy, or the lighter side, like Bossypants by Tina Fey.

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I know that for my book, my agent was the one to originally contact your imprint. Do you ever work directly with a writer?

I do sometimes work directly with writers. I’ll sometimes approach a writer I admire and gauge his or her interest in collaborating on a book project. Sometimes I have a book idea and try to pair that idea up with the writer I think would be a great fit. But this is fairly rare (and very time-intensive!). When I speak to writers who are unagented, I always advise that they try to sign with one. While it’s not impossible to get a book deal without an agent, I truly believe that a good agent can help in so many ways: they will help you focus your argument and craft your book proposal, they will use their previously cultivated relationships with editors to make sure the ones who receive your book proposal on submission are the ones who are most likely to be enthusiastic about it, and long term, they will serve as your advocate and adviser on all aspects of the publishing process. They are invaluable.

(Note from G: A lot of people have been asking whether or not you need an agent, and the consensus, from both my own experience and people throughout the industry, is a resounding yes. Even if an editor contacts you directly about a project, the publisher will still want you to have an agent, or at the very least a lawyer versed in literary contracts.)

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What makes a manuscript stand out to you? What advice would you give an author who is trying to differentiate themselves in an already crowded space?

This varies depending on the subject area you’re publishing into (psychology, memoir, business, etc.). First, know your market. Spend lots of time on Amazon looking for books in the same vein as your own. Find a way to differentiate your book from the others in the space. Second, I’m sure you’ve heard it before but you’ll hear it now—platform, platform, platform! Before rushing out with your book proposal, spend some time cultivating an audience. Place some pieces online, get some early endorsements from others who have published successfully in this space, gather ye some Twitter followers. Having a base that is already excited to read your work will really help to get publishers excited about your book. Third, and this goes especially for things like memoirs and narrative, don’t be afraid of your own voice. Are you warm? Are you acerbic? Are you funny? Are you able to craft an entire chapter that’s ostensibly about poop but is actually about having a nuanced and rather beautiful relationship epiphany? (I’m looking at your, Geraldine). Point is, don’t self-edit—embrace your voice on the page and lean into it. It’ll be authentic and it’ll grab the attention of editors who will not only embrace the book, but be its champion through to publication day and beyond.

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A lot of writers begin their careers as bloggers, and have online followings (coughs loudly while pointing to herself). I know that one publisher even asked me how many Instagram followers I had! But what if you don’t have a social media presence? Can you get published as an unknown?

You can, but you better be a god damned literary genius. I’m kidding (kind of). Think about it this way—if I’m a book publicist, and the author I’m working is totally unknown, it makes it so much harder to call The New York Times and convince them to read the galley and consider for a review. “Who is the author?” “Oh! Well, she is super into pub trivia.” “Ummm…” versus “Who is the author?” “Well, she wrote a great piece on Medium about the cultural influence of Daveed Diggs’ hair that was one of the most-read pieces last year.” There’s been a huge amount of democratization in the media, which does allow for writers without a traditional “platform” to find one, online especially.

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When looking at the work of a new author, do you prefer to have an entire manuscript, or are a few chapters sufficient? Which do you prefer as an editor?

Again, as a nonfiction editor, we look at book proposals mostly, not full manuscripts. So I’m not sure this is relevant to me. But A proposal should be no fewer than 25 pages (and no more than 75) and include a sample chapter. It’s really important for me to see how well you can craft a narrative, no matter how awesome your platform.

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If an author has self-published other books previously, do you hold that against them? Do you consider it a lack of respect for the industry?

Absolutely not. Self-publishing is a totally fine way to go. And if you sold lots of copies of that self-published book, brag about it! It matters. That means you have a built-in audience of people who have already read your work and will likely (hopefully!) want to read more of it. As a trade publishing house, we can help broaden that audience.

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How long should an author wait before they resubmit their work?

I’d say don’t resubmit to the same editors unless they have already agreed to read a revised book proposal/manuscript. It’s frankly really annoying to get the same project submitted when you’ve already rejected it. That said, once you’ve revised, you (or your agent) should feel free to try other editors who haven’t yet seen it.

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Do you need to be a writer in order to be an editor? Do you rely on your gut when editing? Or is the process more regimented?

I don’t think so. I’m asked often if I’ve ever wanted to write a book myself. The answer to that is a resounding “no.” I have incredible respect and deference for writers, which is why I choose to spend my life surrounded by and working with them! But where I think editors shine is that we have cultivated a skill (and, okay, maybe have a talent) for seeing the puzzle pieces of a book and helping the author put those pieces together—we help shape the narrative in both broad and surgical ways, we ask specific questions to get authors thinking about new directions in which to take their writing, and we ultimately act as your very first reader so you can fine-tune it before sending it out into the wide world.

–

Thanks so much for your time, Colleen. I’ll send you an email later today even though you’re probably sick of me. It’s going to be full of gifs.

Rand, reading an early copy of my book on a plane.

Though it’s been a year – almost to the day – since I sold my book, I realize I haven’t written that much about the entire experience. This omission is bizarre if you consider that it’s possibly the single most important moment in my professional career, but makes total sense if you consider that I’m SUPER superstitious. There was a part of me that thought writing about my book deal too extensively would be a bad idea, because someone at the publishing house would see it and think, “There is no way we agreed to publish this woman’s book. Please let her know we’re cancelling the deal and also mail her a box of cockroaches.”

(Note: I do not know why my publisher would be mailing me cockroaches, but this is how anxiety works.)

But now? I’m pretty sure we’ve passed the point of no return. The final PDF of my book just came in, and it’s available for pre-order, and people are already buying it SO THE JOKE’S ON YOU, PUBLISHING COMPANY SUCKERS. Ahem.

Having just insulted my amazing publisher who helped realize a lifelong goal, I thought I’d answer some of your publishing questions, and give you a breakdown of what the entire publishing process and timeline was for me. (Tomorrow, I’m posting an interview with my editor as well! Stay tuned!)

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How Long Did it Take You to Write Your Book?

About a year. I spent pretty much all of 2014 working on it. My goal was a chapter a month, which I apparently exceeded because the book is actually 15 or 16 chapters long. Everyone I tell this to always remarks that a chapter a month feels very reasonable, and it was. I think that’s why I was able to complete it. Set too lofty a goal and you’ll burn out quickly.

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How Did You Stay On Track?

If you know me, you’ve probably noticed that I’m horribly unmotivated. I’m not an ambitious person, and if it were up to me I’d stay in my pajamas until well after noon (which I just realized I’ve done today. Whoo hoo!) So in order to stay on track, I decided to make myself accountable to someone else. If you’re working with a publisher, they’ll keep you on track, but in my case, I enlisted the help of my friend Chad. I’ve heard that getting someone who you are afraid to disappoint is critical.For every day that I was late with turning in a chapter, I had to pay him $5. It worked.

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Do I Need an Agent?

Unless you are planning on self-publishing, yes. Working with a traditional publisher would have been a daunting and impossible task if not for my agent Zoe. I literally don’t know of a single publisher who will work directly with an author who doesn’t have representation. Not only do agents get your proposal/manuscript in front of publishers in the first place, but they also negotiate your deal, have lawyers look over your contract, and advocate for you in all sorts of ways big and small. They don’t simply sell your book – they help make your book worth buying.

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How Long Does It Take To Publish a Book?

The answer varies, but the number I most often hear is about 18 months from the time a rough draft is completed. I sold a completed (but obviously not final) manuscript in February of 2016. We’ve just finalized the copy and the cover this month, after a year of working closely with an editor (note: the book was not a full-time obligation, but there were months where it took up all my days). All Over the Place: Adventures in Travel, True Love, and Petty Theft will be out May 2nd. So it took me 15 months and that was with a book that needed relatively little editing. Some manuscripts need to be completely reworked, which takes more time. And obviously if you’ve sold a proposal then your book hasn’t been written yet, so you can easily add a year or more of writing to those 18 months.

My timeline went something like this:

2014: Work on and finish a very rough draft of my book.

February 2015: Find out my small indie publisher has folded. (I was going to work directly with them – it was sort of like self-publishing but with a slightly more established platform, so I didn’t need an agent). Lots of tears and cake eating ensue. I start halfheartedly looking for representation.

March 2015:  Convinced my book is going to wither on the vine, I start blogging more. I write a piece for Marie Claire about Rand picking out my outfits for a week. Later, a post I wrote on Paleo goes viral.

July 2015: I get an email from Zoe after she read the Marie Claire article and found my blog. She sees that I’m looking for an agent. I send her a sample chapter of my book. She doesn’t hate it. At all.

August 2015: I go to NYC and meet with Zoe and a few other agents (note: a lot of agents are based in Manhattan. You don’t need to travel there to sign with one, but I was heading there anyway). I arrive to every meeting dripping sweat because it’s August and the city is on fire.

By the end of the month, I decide to have Zoe represent me. She’s patient and optimistic and cheerful and oh god I just realized we’re opposites.

October 2015: I’ve spent the last few weeks cleaning up my manuscript so we can show it to publishers, and send it to Zoe at the beginning of the month. She gets her edits back to me a few weeks later.

December 2015: I’ve spent the last month working on Zoe’s suggested edits, and I email her the new draft.

January 2016: Zoe looks over my changes and says the draft is ready to go WHICH CANNOT BE RIGHT. She sends it out to a long list of publishers and imprints that she’s pulled together, along with info about me and a LOT of statistics about this site and my social media following. There are a lot of friendly passes, but several say they’re interested in setting up meetings.

February 2016: I head to NYC to meet with several interested publishers. It is easily one of the strangest and most exciting moments of my professional career. Zoe is there for some, but not all, of the meetings. We discuss the manuscript, my audience, and my plans for other books. I wear a sleeveless top and forget to shave my armpits. I crack jokes. Many flattering things are said. David Sedaris’ name comes up. I’m not sure what to believe.

Weirdly, Rand is also pitching his book during this trip – so while I’m trying to sell my manuscript, he’s trying to sell his proposal. And by the end of the trip, he’s sold his book in something called a pre-empt (which means the publisher makes a big offer in hopes of stopping the book from going to auction).

Later that month, my book goes to auction. This means that Zoe sends out an email to the various interested publishers requesting bids. They send in their starting offers, but they have a chance to raise them if theirs is too low. The auction goes on for several days, and the publishers don’t know who they’re competing against. Mine started on a Monday. Bids were due on Wednesday. By Tuesday night I’d lost my mind, convinced the book wasn’t going to sell.

On Wednesday morning, bids started coming in. I spent a lot of time emailing Zoe and Rand messages in all caps. I can’t discuss it too much, but there was a back and forth that led to offers being raised. I was at my friend Pam’s house, mashing waffles into my face and reading emails out loud while freaking out.

And then … it was over. And I had to decide on a publisher. I mulled it over for a few days before sending Zoe my answer.

In February of 2016, Colleen, my editor, recommends changing the title from Hopefully Lost to All Over the Place. I think it is a brilliant move. I give her a list of potential subtitles, and she picks Adventures in Travel, True Love, and Petty Theft.

Over the next year, Colleen and I work on the book. The work ebbs and flows – sometimes I’m waiting for her to get back to me, some days I’m just writing like a madwoman from morning until night. I’m used to tweaking sentences and jokes, but Colleen was asking me to consider things that had never occurred to me. She gave me advice like, “Be sure to anchor the reader in time” and would make me aware of when I switched from a personal story to making big proclamations about the state of the world with little transition (something I do a lot). She pointed out paragraphs that fell flat and how I have a tendency to write very short, choppy sentences that work on a blog but not necessarily in a book.

We had entire an entire back and forth about Ashton Kutcher and whether I could make a joke about the Punic Wars. We moved entire chapters. We deleted one or two. I rewrote huge sections of the book. We started out big – creating an entire narrative arc that was largely missing – and then focused in. And all the time, I wondered how Colleen was able to see the finished product – it was like a sculptor being able to see the figure inside a hunk of marble. Except that this hunk of marble was full of poop jokes.

Keep in mind: I was rewriting entire chapters, and that still constitutes “minimal editing.”

September, 2016: Colleen tells me that the book is done. It’s now off to a project editor, Melissa, who is equally patient and wonderful and oversees the rest of the publication process. I keep dragging Colleen back in to the conversation, though, because I’m having separation anxiety. I also keep making changes even though the book is done. Like a child with a scabby knee, I cannot stop picking at it.

Fun fact: the author helps write the content that goes on the inside flap of the book – so I describe myself in third person and talk about my own hilarity, which is weird if you’re super self-conscious. A modified version of this content is on the back of the galleys (a gally is an early paperback version of the book that go out to reviewers). I also write the About the Author and Acknowledgements sections.

October: I receive my final jacket design for the book. I also keep making small edits and adding in jokes. My final date to make changes is Thanksgiving.

November: I AM DONE WITH THIS THING AND NOW I WILL GORGE MYSELF ON TURKEY.

December: Colleen, Zoe, my marketing team, and I discuss who we can get to blurb the book. We send out galley copies to several people. The blurbs come back in January and February and are added to the back cover. The book is also sent out to various publications that need a lot of lead time to review a book, as well as individual reviewers.

Also, my dad dies. He never gets to read my book. But he knew it was being published, so I try and comfort myself with that.

January: I send a couple of options for an author photo to my publisher. During this time, early reviews are coming in for the book. Publisher’s Weekly posts a wonderful review, and the response on Goodreads is very positive.

February: I get the final PDF of the book, as well as the final cover design. It. is. done.

Rand’s grandfather calls him. He’s almost through with my book. “It’s not what I normally read,” he says, “but she’s very good.” I cry in the middle of my kitchen.

Rand, his grandfather (poking me in the nose), and my brother-in-law.

And now?

We’re now working on the marketing plan, setting up interviews, and planning some events around the time of launch. I still need to look over a few things – mainly the final PDF (sorry, Melissa! I’ll get on it!) The book will be released on May 2nd, 2017. 15 months from completed rough draft to final book. Almost two years after I met my agent. And about three years from when I started writing my book. Christ, some of the jokes I wrote don’t even make sense anymore.

And … well, that’s it. Writing a book takes some serious time. But I’ve found that the years pass just as slowly when you aren’t writing one.

If you’ve got any more questions, please leave them below and I’ll do my best to answer.

I mean, the blog is full of photos of me. I once even wrote a treatise to my vagina (calm down, there are no actual pictures of it). I have amassed the most unflattering photos of myself in existence and I have confessed to all manner of debauchery and then I PUT IT ON THE INTERNET. Someone, were they so inclined, could flip through all of this while pooping or masturbating. (Let’s be honest with ourselves: it’s probably pooping.)

But as crazy as it sounds, that reality of that has never really sunk in. Like, I’m posting on the internet but I still sort of think it’s private. This nonsensical logic is the only way some of us writers can operate: we assume that absolutely no one is going to read our work, and if they do, they will still have no idea who we are when we inevitably embarrass ourselves in public. There is something safe about that.

Occasionally, people do recognize me from the blog, and I’m always stunned (It doesn’t help that my husband is an alarmingly well-dressed dude with a handlebar mustache – he’s sticks out. I mean, outside of Portland he sticks out). My next worry – after sharing a few awkward hellos and thanking them profusely for reading my blog and pre-ordering my book (cough-cough) – is that they caught me picking my nose. (Everyone is usually too polite to mention it if they have.)

But having my photo on a book? That’s just so … official.

My editor asked me if I had any photos that I wanted to use, and as I scrolled through my Flickr albums, I realized something:

There are no photos of me, anywhere.

Okay, that’s not true. There are photos of me out there – good ones, too! But most of them are with Rand.

And apparently your author photo shouldn’t have someone else in it. Especially not the two of you smooshing faces.

Nor should they feature you going all full-on zombie towards your husband. Ahem.

I know what you’re thinking: surely there must be some photos of me on my own, right? Well, there are!

Here’s one of me sleeping (I mean, Rio’s in the background, but that’s okay, right?):

And here’s one of me in Milan after I spent a whole bunch of time puking because I was carsick.

And I’m not even in this one, but isn’t is great?

Apparently you can’t use a photo of your friend and his baby as your author pic, even if your husband is in the photo.

Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking, “OMG, JUST TAKE A NEW PHOTO.” Well, I would but … I got Invisalign. So you can see all the attachments on my teeth and it is NOT. PRETTY. (Note: if you come to any of my readings, please pretend you don’t notice them at all and tell me I’m pretty.)

This is the default one I usually go to. I sort of hated it when Rand first took it, but I’ve warmed to it. The problem is that it’s a rather serious photo for a supposedly humorous book, and also the word “COCK” (from “cocktail”) was visible right next to my head but I made a halfhearted attempt to crop it out.

Also, it was a million degrees out and I was breaking out LIKE CRAZY.

But my editor really liked this one. She felt it was a little more lighthearted.

I figured the issue was settled (and was also sort of psyched, because the photo is a bit dark and grainy, so it’s hard to tell that it’s me and maybe the public nose-picking can continue). But they recently told me that the photo might be a bit too unclear and dark. And they asked if I had any other photos.

So I took to tormenting them on Twitter.

Guys, seriously, can I just go with this? cc @HachetteUS @Clawrie @zosandler pic.twitter.com/lJb4WFi1H1

— Geraldine (@everywhereist) January 25, 2017

But then someone on Twitter noted the backdrop was a bit busy, so I went with this:

Okay, @public_affairs @HachetteUS I have done some market research and this is the author pic that tested well with my audience. pic.twitter.com/2B0cQSMcST

— Geraldine (@everywhereist) January 25, 2017

Which led to a delightful conversation with my publisher which reminded me again why I picked them in the first place:

(I love my cheeky publisher.)

Anyway, some tips if you are trying to pick an author photo for your very first book:

• Make sure the photo is of you
• And just of you
• And that you are conscious
• And not lying on the ground, having just vomited
• Also, maybe don’t get Invisalign during the most important moment of your career to date?

So it looks like we’ll be going with the photo that says “COCK” backwards in giant letters near my head. At least that’s settled.

(Just kidding, English teachers. You made me who I am.)

And it’s now available for pre-order on Amazon, BarnesandNoble.com, and Indiebound. Real, reputable websites are carrying my book, y’all.

It’s called All Over the Place: Adventures in True Love, Travel, and Petty Theft. Personally, I think I could have done a lot more revenge thieving during my travels if my true love hadn’t intervened, but I suppose that’s another story.

I dedicated my book to Jeff Goldblum and there’s an entire chapter about poop.

It won’t be released until May, but you could still buy it as a Christmas or Hanukkah gift and have it arrive really late. The recipient will probably be a little annoyed this holiday season but come spring they are going to love your forward-thinking ass.

Anyway, I made a book, and I’ve been thinking about making another one. How are you?