Writing can be difficult. I know that sounds really indulgent to say – I mean, I stand in front of a computer all day. How hard can that possibly be? My grandmother had to fetch water from a well and carry it back to her village in a ceramic jug on her head and I’m a sunlit office complaining because I don’t know what words I should make magically appear with my fingers. 

But I suspect all writers feel that way. We are mired in self-doubt and neuroses. Even when we create something that a teeny part of us may actually think is good we still sort of hate it. And then we think of how ungrateful and useless we are because just the fact that we have running water, much less the opportunity to write, is a gift. That push-pull of self-loathing and doubt and gratitude is what makes us writers.

So rather than create any cogent advice, I decided to chart out the path of my neuroses as it comes to my work. I made a few flowcharts and diagrams. If you are a writer, you’ll probably relate. And for that, I am entirely sorry.

Here’s what I made.

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It's true.

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I also felt it pertinent to include a post-script or two.

We are not bluffing.

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I just need to know their president’s address, so I can mail it.

Living in the Pacific Northwest, you learn to live with some pretty insane weather. You can generally tell that the meteorologist on the evening news is guessing, at best, as to what the next few days will bring. Ultimately, I think their prediction method falls somewhere along these lines.

Step 1: Create iconography for different weather forecasts, and place them on the floor of a room.

I swear there's a documented case of it raining frogs, but Rand says that I made that up.

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Step 2: Feed prunes to a bunch of constipated hamsters. You probably have some spare constipated hamsters lying around your house right now.

Everyone knows that one out of every four hamsters is evil. It's a fact.

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Step 3: Unleash the hamsters in the same room where you’ve placed the iconography. See which picture they poop on the most.

Have an unpaid intern clean up afterward.

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Step 4: Determine the weather for the next day based on which iconography is covered with the most hamster feces. If two of the symbols have roughly the same amount of poop on them, expect some sort of combination of the two. This can lead to some unusual weather patterns.

"Expect golfball-sized hail followed by a crapload of RAINBOWS!"

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And if your predictions turn out to be woefully inaccurate? Simply blame the evil hamster.

Jerk.